#i've been rly stressed for short moments or lowkey to moderate stressed for years in a row but i feel like i can't take this

[archieism]

hey friends. i know i haven’t been on a lot, but coping with the state of the world has been kinda tough on its own. but in the last weekend alone, my home life has left me feeling barely able to breathe. my mom is flipping stuff upside down after years of somewhat dysfunctional but tolerable and we ultimately love each other parent/child dynamic to concerning somewhat erratic behavior that’s left me feeling at a loss and no longer safe in this house. i don’t fear her as much as how i can live here anymore. she’s gone cold and outright voiced her sudden lack of regard whatsoever for how me or my siblings want to coexist with her despite being dependents, how we feel about these sudden changes without an invitation to be involved in them, or even if we feel safe with her anymore. 

she’s apologized just tonight, admitted she’s been acting out of fear instead of faith (hashtag conservative christian parents) but i’m not sure how much repair can be done, or if this means she’ll change what she’s been doing, or if it will even stick at all. my chest still feels tight. i still feel like i’m gonna throw up any moment. i still feel like i could burst into tears any second. maybe i’m overreacting, but i’ve never felt unsafe with my mom in my life. she’s always been my protector from the people who are unsafe, so this change feels life ending. i feel like i’m drowning and i don’t know what to do. to make it worse, i still have a cat with urinary issues and asmtha who needs special cat food AND litter who depends on me, who i’ve been borrowing money to take care of while i’m unemployed, and now i don’t know if that’s guaranteed anymore even though he could die without it. maybe it will turn out she’s not being that drastic, but i hate that i don’t know anymore if she would do that or not. as stressed as i am for myself and my siblings, i feel like not knowing if i can take care of my cat or if i’d even be able to transport him to a better home without a car even if i wanted to is making me want to keel over and die. but that wouldn’t help him, so i can’t.

i don’t know why i’m typing this. my mental health hasn’t been this bad in a while, or maybe ever, i don’t know; everything’s still very fresh since it’s all happened in literally like two days. but i guess that’s why everything feels uncertain now. 

i think i’m gonna make a gofundme for worse case scenarios concerning my cat, as well as any leftovers going towards me saving up for either a plane ticket or a car rental if i ever get the opportunity to leave here. i knew leaving my mom after years of her and us kids helping each other through hellish circumstances would be hard, but i never thought it’d be even harder due to leaving her behind by herself on such a bad note. i hope she can last by herself after years of mostly having just her kids as her friends due to living in such a shitty town full of shitty people. i’m so scared for her if i leave, but i’m also kind of scared for myself if i stay, or leave, or anything. i hope she can learn to fully love and care for herself as well as her kids in the ways we need her to for a functioning relationship. but i don’t know if that possibility’s been crushed in a single weekend. i want to keep that door open, but i also want to love myself enough to make decisions for myself that will lead to a future where i can hope to ever be happy with or without her instead of despair in my ability to even stay alive until i i can pass of old age one day.

my oldest sister who only just started living with us again in the last year and a half and has been kind of a rock through all this is choosing to leave in about a week and i’m really hoping it doesn’t break me. she doesn’t want to leave us behind, but she’s just as broke as the rest of us and even worse off with her physical health right now. 

the remaining three; my little brother, my older sister, and me, are trying to strategize a way we can collectively save up and move out together. we’re clinging to each other and trying to find solutions to this with no experience or training from any adults in our lives, parents who cared or not, from teachers, pastors, etc. despite being fully grown adults, i feel like we’re all feeling fragile. for one reason or another, our parents failed to raise us to even know how to be adults or do be on our own or how to keep a steady job, yet we’re expected to flip the full adult autonomy switch overnight with no warning or discussion before hand.

life feels scary right now, at least for me. really scary. i don’t know if i’ve ever been this scared before, and i know my entire childhood’s been pretty shitty. maybe my mom’s apology will finally actually mean something and i can delete this post with a cringey shake of my head in a month. i don’t know. but i know i need to look for some forms of stability outside of hers regardless. i don’t think i could make it through if i trusted this was over only for it to happen again. maybe it’s everything else going wrong in 2020 on top of it, but it feels like i’d just collapse and never get up again. it’s so hard to already, but i have my cat to help me keep going, if for no other reason than he NEEDS me to keep going in order to just stay alive, and now my siblings too. my mom used to be one of those reasons, and maybe she still is, but i don’t want to count on it as much anymore.

this is a vent post. way too much oversharing. but i feel like i’m going crazy and on the verge of an emotional breakdown, or maybe this is me having one lol

this is also a sort of question for any of my mutuals on here, if any of you are still reading (sorry it’s so long and so dramatic, i just. i feel rly scared and everything feels impossible right now). if any of you in the united states are looking for a roommate, i really need one. ideally, i’ll find an online job by the time i can execute any roommate plans, but if anyone is willing to take an unemployed depressed bitch who will fast for at most a month until i can find some local work, i am.... in dire need of something if my mom’s apology doesn’t stick, and even if it does; i really think i need to leave as soon as i can for both our sakes, even if as soon as i can is by the end of the year. ideally, cats are welcome in the space we’d be sharing, unless i find a beautifully trustworthy home i know he’ll be happy and safe with and can even bring myself to say goodbye. 

i’ll take anything at this point. even just brainstorming a situation over dms will probably do wonders for my mental health. i’m so sorry for dumping this all on the dashboard, and please know you can 100% keep scrolling or simply send good vibes, because i am asking around elsewhere. if my siblings and i can execute something together like we’re hoping, i probably won’t need a tumblr roommate lol, but backup plans feel kind of necessary, at this time, at least.